


The Ups and Downs of Marriage

by justkillthetitan



Series: Eruri Week 2019 [6]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Dorks, Eruri Week, Eruri Week 2019, Fluff, Lawyer Erwin Smith, M/M, Marriage, Not Beta Read, Nurse Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-09-28 19:56:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20431574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justkillthetitan/pseuds/justkillthetitan
Summary: For Levi marriage has its ups and downs. As a married man for six years, Levi had learned a lot about marriage and what it comes with. There were good things and bad things. And as the organize person he likes to be, he made a list of the ups and downs of marriage.Eruri Week 2019Day 6: Marriage





	The Ups and Downs of Marriage

**Author's Note:**

> Look, I don't even plan to get marry but here I am writing about this dorks.

Levi never thought much about marriage. Marriage was something that happened to other people, something that happened every now and then. Every year or so, Levi would receive a wedding invitation from one his friends. He would store the invitation, and when the time came he would attend the ceremony for the good-ish wine and the food. He never cared about marriage, it was something that happened in the background of his life.

So when he got married to his boyfriend of two years, the idea of marriage was more real and just, _ there. _

For Levi marriage has its ups and downs. As a married man for six years, Levi had learned a lot about marriage and what it comes with. There were good things and bad things. And as the organize person he likes to be, he made a list of the ups and downs of marriage.

***

The Downs of Marriage 

(According to Levi S. Ackerman)

Sharing A Living Space

One of the obvious downsides of marriage is sharing a living space. For some reason or another, Levi and his husband never moved to each other's place before they got married. Sure they had their fair share of clothing and hygiene items at each other's apartment. They spent most of their free time either at his or Erwin's place, but never officially living together as in a permanent place.

Moving together was a journey. From getting rid of useless stuff, and to packing their belongings, to finding a place that both of them liked and to shop for decorations for their new home. 

As it turned out, looking for a place was hard. While their budget was high due to their respective jobs, finding a place they both like and that accommodated to their necessities was hard. The small house in downtown was close to Levi's job and while Levi might had giving up the peace of his last apartment, the place was too far away from Erwin's office. Then there was the two bedroom apartment that Erwin had loved, but now it was so far from their workplaces and it was surrounded by the most annoying people Levi has ever met in his life. It had been a fussed of seating down and going through different locations, meeting people, tours, and there was just so much to consider unlike their apartment search when they were single and living apart. 

Besides location and materialistic stuff, sharing a living space with someone else was something hard to get used to. 

Levi, who had always lived alone since he became an independent adult, was used to have his own space. When he lived alone, he had entire power over his place. How he wanted it to be organized, what he wanted to have around, what stay and what not. 

He also had his small space of complete isolation in days when he couldn't even fathom the idea of having someone else besides him, or to calm him down when things in the hospital were too stressful. His apartment had been a place of isolation if he wanted to, but now living with Erwin meant that the assurance of having a place to run to if he wanted was not there anymore in the form a quiet and empty room. 

Arguments 

No matter how well they knew each other, or their wordless way to communicate with one another, Levi and Erwin had disagreements and arguments during their relationship. This was more of a general downside to any kind of relationship, and a golden band didn't makes those disappeared. Levi wasn't talking about the arguments itself, it was more about the awkwardness of having an argument.

Back when they were boyfriends and they had their little arguments and discussions, sometimes about petty stuff that made then felt dumb afterwards and sometimes about serious stuff that couldn't be forgotten about, it was easy to get away from each other and to make things good. If Levi or Erwin got too heated on their arguments, they could always get up and walk away to their own little space to calm down. To think and to breathe. 

In marriages, it was not that easy.

These goes back to their first argument after their marriage. It was about two months after their wedding, and the couple had their first arguments as husbands. 

They both had had an awful day. Levi had been yelled at by that stupid nurse director for not doing a procedure as 'high as her standards' which was complete bullhit. She was just an awful person too intimidated by the capability of Levi taking her position. And Erwin had been having a stressful couple of days due to a particular important case that made him age faster than normal. 

They had woken up on the left side of the bed, and when they came home it was just matter of time, of anything really, to set off that bomb. Levi knew one of their arguments was coming, he could feel it in the thick air. A small part of Levi was looking towards it, however bad that sounds, because he needed to get out his frustration with someone else besides inmate objects that couldn't scream back at him. 

He couldn't even remember what started it. Was it a snarky comment Levi had made, or had been something that Erwin had forgotten to do due to his lack of sleep in the past couple of days? Who knows?

The thing was that it had blown out. Big words were said, loudly, and they both had blown out their frustration with one another.

The awkwardness came afterwards. The married couple had gone into separate roms to get away from one another. After what feels like hours, Levi felt ashamed and angry at himself. While fights were not frequent in their relationship, Levi couldn't help but to feel bad and awful. 

But he was also stubborn, and he couldn't bring himself to say sorry, anything. Erwin had been the same, and for the next couple of days they had been awkwardly trying to avoid each other. It had been awful, but at some point they had managed to be less idiotic, and they had fixed their stupid mistakes. 

Worry

Worry was a feeling that Levi hated with all his heart, and it was something that came with marriage and just with anyone who you might love.

Worrying about someone else could be tiring. It made him wonder whether Erwin was alive or not the days he comes home to late and didn't pick up his damn phone. It was tiring to worry about whatever Erwin was worry about. A harsh case that they couldn't crack? Levi worried. Erwin's stupid inability to feed himself during working hours? He worried. The tendency that he has to put work over himself? He worried. 

He was, somehow, constantly looking after Erwin because he worried too damn much to the point that it even worried him to be worry that much. 

He hated it.

Consideration 

Marriage is about love, trust, a sacred union, and consideration. Been a married man, Levi had to be considerate about Erwin just like Erwin had to be considerate about him. 

He had to put in consideration Erwin's needs along his owns, his wants just as Levi's. Because you can't be that selfish when you are married. And thus, considering someone else also meant that at times he has to give up some of his wants. He couldn't get a cat because he had to be considerate of Erwin who was allergic to the damn thing. 

Considering someone meant that sometimes you had to give up wants no matter how cute their are.

Thinking 

This one was the hardest from it all, thinking.

Thinking in itself was hard, but when it comes to marriage it is something else because you worry and you have to be considerate. In marriage context, thinking means thinking about stuff such as anniversaries. What to buy, what to do, how to deliver. Marrying someone else also meant widening your social circle, and suddenly you have to be dragged to events that you don't want to be in. Suddenly, your in-laws were coming over and you were thinking and overthinking everything because damn Erwin, Levi wasn't about to paint a lazy ass pictures to his in-laws now or ever. 

Stressful. Thinking was stressful.

***

The Ups of Marriage

(According to Levi S. Ackerman)

Sharing A Living Space

Before meeting Erwin, Levi's social life was much calmer. Levi wasn't a loud person by nature. He enjoyed the quietness that his apartment offer. Levi had worked hard to make his small space feel cozy and his. While for some people it might feel apprehensive to be in his spotless and extremely organized apartment, Levi felt comfort in it. And while it did for most of the times, sometimes his beloved loneliness felt apprehensive to him. Like a small cage.

Levi didn't want to be outgoing and loud, he just wanted someone to be quiet with. Erwin had granted him that wish. 

Levi's husband was not an extremely loud person. He was a bit louder than Levi, but not in the obvious and noting way. Erwin wasn't pushy about Levi's quietness. He was understanding and caring. 

When the little details of Erwin's presence started to appeared on Levi's space, he felt a wave of strong emotions. Of excitement and love, because those details did not only proved that Levi didn't need to be alone to feel comfortable, but because they filled him with warm. Erwin's spare pajamas tucked besides his, and his toothbrush besides Levi's made him smile and yearn for him. And when they had moved together a few weeks before their small wedding, Levi almost felt like crying. Because now they will sharing the same king size bed, he will wake up besides Erwin every day until one of them dies before the other. 

And if he had to sacrifice a few decoration choices, the small assurance of a quiet place that couldn't be compared to Erwin's presence, and their place might not be as tidy as Levi's had been, to live with Erwin, Levi was more than willing to do so.

Arguments

Arguments in a relationship were natural and it didn't dictated whether or not a relationship was toxic. It was the quantity that matter. They have their causal argument every two months or so. Too keep things interesting, as some people say. 

Levi and Erwin were both stubborn man, and sometimes arguments were necessary to stop each other from doing something stupid. It was this kinds of arguments that left them so embarrassed due to their own idiotic behavior. But they were necessary.

You could also learned a lot about this arguments. This small and odd spasms of anger and frustration that revealed things that one wouldn't noticed, and the other was too afraid of saying. 

Like that one argument that they had a month after their second anniversary. Erwin had been promoted six months before, and Levi had taken the nurse director position a few weeks after Erwin's promotions. 

Their promotions had been both a bless and a cursed, since they didn't not only meant higher pays and success in their respective carriers, but it also meant more responsibility and more work. They had a hard time trying to figure out their work and personal life with such big changes in their workplace. They were too busy. 

Sometimes Levi had to stay extra hours on the hospital to finish work, and sometimes Erwin had to stayed behind on his office. The times they were both at home together was spended finishing work in different rooms. It took Levi weeks to finally realized how touch starved he had been at the time. He had missed Erwin's touch even though they slept in the same bed, although they felt asleep hours apart and when one of them had woken the next day, the other was already gone.

It had been a stressful period of their lives, yet the future looked bright for they carriers they had worked so hard for. 

The reason for their argument had been the intervention of a third party and Levi's insecurities mixed up in the worst way possible.

Levi had always deal with insecurities. No matter how cold stoned he appeared to be most of the times, there were things he wasn't to confident about. One of his insecurities had developed at some point during the last months of his life, somewhere between his transition to his promotion. This time it had been about his own person has a whole. It wasn't whether he was a good person or not, it was about been good enough. Was he good enough for his job? Was he capable of dealing with the stress and the responsibility it was been placed on his shoulders? Could he overcome any obstacle that might come his way?

This insecurities only escalated to worst and worst, and at some point it translated to more than his workplace. To his personal life.

Was he a good friend? He should probably take more time to call Farlan and Isabel. Was he a good son? He should go visit his mom more often, she misses him. Was he a good husband? 

It was wrecking him slowly, filling him with anxiety. 

The third party had been a toxic friend Levi didn't even know he had. Her name is irrelevant now, but because he was too afraid to confide in his close friends, too afraid of what they might think of him because it had escalated that bad, he had confided in a person he didn't know too well. Yeah, stupid of him.

Almost a stranger, he had spilled all his troubles in detail. He had talked about his fears, his worries, about his friendships and marriage. He had mentioned his relationships with Farlan, Isabel, Hange, his mother, Erwin. It had not been a pretty place.

It has been this person who had set the word _ affair _ and Erwin off in his mind. Deeply, he couldn't blame this person much. If he had been in a better sta, he would had never considered such a thing, but that hadn't been what happened. Soon Levi had more to worry about. Had Erwin lost interest in him? Is that why they had the rare case of interaction? Was there something, someone else than his promotion that has been causing this?

Irrational and stupid, Levi though now. He had bottle everything up, trying to hold some of his sanity. Trying to top himself from doing something stupid. And oh, he had. One day he couldn't contain it anymore, and he had exploded in the worst way possible.

It hadn't been pretty, it had been a huge mess. Levi had said hurtful stuff, accused, said things he regretted almost immediately. And while Erwin had tried to be the rational party, Erwin also had problems. And so they had problems they had kept to themselves, but it fail. Everything had come down pouring worst than a hurricane. 

He had hurt Erwin, and in the process himself, because oh, hurting Erwin was from the worst things he could had done. But Erwin had done the same too.

It had been hard to even think about each other after that. It had taken Levi a few days, and a good share of his tears before he had been able to approach Erwin again to try and fix, redeem what he had caused. 

Their second conversation had been calmer, and more successful. Levi had let his worries show, and so had Erwin. They had been honest to the point where tears were shed, and their apologies couldn't be heard anymore.

But they had done the right thing, they had work things out the way they should had before. There were things they learn from one another. Erwin had learned about how Levi's small, irrational insecurities that could escalate to things bigger than he could ever imagine, something that he had never thought possible because Levi was so strong, the strongest person he had ever met in his life, and such insecurities hadn't escalated to such distrasous scenario in their time together.

Levi had also learned about Erwin and his own insecurities, the things that kept him awake at night and had nothing to do with his work, the way he sometimes put work before because he feels like the countless paperwork might had the answers for something Erwin couldn't even explain himself. Their momentary fall down had put in perspective the problems they knew about each other.

Was that good? To not know this kind of problems that affected your partner? To have married without knowing the other person to its fullest? Or is that part of the journey?

Even to this day, Levi wasn't too sure whether this argument, that in one form or another had marked their relationship, had been his fault. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. But they had resolved it, moved on together without letting what transpired that day set them apart like it had threatened. 

Yes, sometimes their arguments got too heated. They said words that they didn't meant, and hurt one another in the process. But at the end they always came back to one another. They had their emotional apologies for one another, promised to improved, and they did for themselves and their treasured relationship. Levi always came back to Erwin, and Erwin always came back to Levi.

Worry

Levi worries about Erwin a lot. Not because he is worry about Erwin cheating on him, or because he is an obsessed ass. But because he cares about him. He worried about Erwin's well being, about his health, about what Erwin's bad habits do to him. Worrying about Erwin comes natural to Levi, who knows that life comes with pain but gets too worry anyways. 

Erwin also worries about Levi too much. Levi himself also has bad habits that take a toll on his health, like the many times he has work too many hours in a row. He knew he should go to sleep, take care of himself before his body shut down, but he couldn't just not help the patients that arrived to the ER.

Erwin was the one to dragged his tired ass back home. It ie Erwin who places Levi down to the bed, who preparers him an actual full meal, and who waits for Levi to eat every single bit before making him drink at least a liter of water. It is Erwin who threatens Levi into sleep or else he will go two full months without sex.

They cared too much for the other that they worry too much.

Consideration 

Considering Erwin was not something Levi had ever had trouble with. Levi cares about Erwin, and thus would never do something to purposely harm him. 

It is easy thinking about Erwin, easy to be considerate about his needs and wants. This was not only one way, this was a mutual thing. Levi could tell by the way Erwin is considerate of Levi when he got tired and cranky, when he wanted a bit of space, when he needed reassurance. He understand Levi. In marriage, everything is mutual.

Thinking 

While not the most romantic person in the world, Levi can assure you that he is heels in love with his husband. He loves the man so much he can't even fathom a world where he isn't marry to him. As cheesy as it sounds, Levi had lost the battle of singleness a few months after Erwin had walked inside the ER with a concussed Mike leaning against him. 

He thinks about Erwin often. Levi thinks about Erwin when he is stressed, when he feels down, when he is afraid. He thinks about Erwin because he makes him happy, and it gives him strength.

This doesn't comes with marriage, not really. But if you are married, wouldn't you feel the same?

***

_ "In conclusion _ , Levi types down for his list, _ marriage is more than a happy ever after, or a damn chain. Marriages is great when you marry the right person. Someone who understands you, respects you, and that you find endearing. Marriage is complex, scary, and a confusing process. Not every marriage is the same, and you don't need a golden band on your finger to experienced all of the items listed above. You don't need a wedding certification to validate your relationship, whether your up to have one or not is an individual's choice. But whether married or not, having a relationship with the partner you choose as its ups and downs, and it is both of your attitudes, how hard you try, and a healthy dynamic that determines whether is it gonna be great or not. For me, it is fantastic." _

The Ups and Down of Marriage

(According to Levi S. Ackerman)


End file.
